Merry (?) Christmas

It's been a rough period, lately. A lot of emotional turmoil between myself and friends and the family. Issues of trust, faith, and character. It has really taken its toll on me. This last week, in particular, has been very stressful. There was some conflict with my parents regarding a spontaneous, but well-meaning decision I had made. They had objections to the fact that I would end up missing a work day for the sake of doing this friendly deed. I felt unfairly judged by them. I felt my friend was being unfairly judged by them. I felt like they weren't being compassionate Christians or supportive of me trying to be just that. It came off like they were more concerned about money than anything else. It really irritated me.

I am a responsible person, especially where work is concerned. I understand that a job is important and that one should be reliable in their occupation. At the same time, I can think of moments where my parents have done exactly what I have done and didn't get called out on it. That contributed partially to my vibe that my parents were acting selfish, having that double-standard. I wasn't doing this for fun. And it wasn't. I was being there for a good friend who was hurting. It was physically and emotionally tasking. It was confusing for me and frustrating because I couldn't stay and didn't know what to do to help.

The next few days move slowly, agonizingly slow. I don't hear from my friend. No calls. No texts.  I'm on my knees constantly praying for hours. Come Christmas Eve, I get a couple of texts from my friend and a phone call. Everything is okay. But I'm not convinced. I spend the next hour or two quietly praying to myself and something dons on me.

It's Christmas. Christmas Eve, technically, but the purpose was the same. It's a holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus. The son of God and the one who gave his life for me. The man who saved my soul. Here I was, focused so much on my woes, and I was losing sight of the most important thing in all life. Realizing this, I made a conscious effort to try and focus on Christ. Yet even still, my worries were dwelling in my mind. Or, more accurately, I was dwelling on my worries. I have no one to blame but myself for this.

This problem continued into Christmas Day. I receive a phone call from my friend and learn that my fears are realized. At least as far as I know. It was a kick to the gonads. I had been lied to by my friend. My friend that I had raced out to comfort and protect and be there for.

Even now, a few hours into December 26, 2014, my worries and sorrows weigh on me. I wanted so badly to have a good Christmas. I wanted to be able to focus on my Christ and I was too stupid to appreciate Him in full. Again, I have no one to blame but myself. After I sign off from my blog, I think an apology in prayer is demanded of me.

-L. Travis Hoffman

12/26/2014 

Being a Loving Christian With a Spine

I sometimes wonder how often I disappoint Christ. Especially when it comes to speaking up and defending the Faith. It's very hard to feel valued and accepted when one holds beliefs that are very much up against the mainstream. Those moments where I manage to work up the nerve to express my views are like walking on eggshells. I feel very nervous, very tense. I don't want to upset anybody. I don't want anyone to have the impression that I'm in any way better or walk away thinking that I believe them to be worthless. Most of all, I just don't want people to hate or reject me.

It occurred to me earlier today as I commented on a friend's facebook post speaking on same-sex marriage. It was making reference to various celebrities who have married umpteen times and/or have cheated on their spouse. The point of the statement being that any claim that gay marriage will corrupt its sanctity is hypocritical when taking into account all the indiscretions of celebrities.  I commented that this was not an honest argument. The majority of those who support traditional marriage would regard these infidelities just as a much a sin as a union between homosexuals. Keep in mind that my comments did not say anything of my own opinion on the issue. I think, if anything, I'd be looked at as someone merely refining an argument, not giving a rebuttal.   Anyway, this started to get very heated and the particular individual I was conversing with told me that I was a bigot and did not deserve his respect. He'd assumed that I had been vehemently opposed to gay marriage, though I still had said nothing at that point.When I finally bothered to give my opinion, which is that gay marriage should be determined through the democratic process, he apologized. I made a point of saying that I had reservations against it, but none that would hold merit from a legal standpoint. We parted company on more-or-less friendly terms, though still disagreeing greatly.

The whole thing has been on my mind all day. Should I have put more emphasis in my convictions against homosexuality? Did I buckle under pressure? The more I ponder it, the more I believe the answer is yes to both questions.

The guy told me I didn't deserve respect. He called me a bigot. The words had cut deep. In that moment I could feel the hate radiating from that guy. Hate that I can honestly say I have never felt toward a homosexual in my life (And I've never harbored hateful feelings for them, anyway). I wish that this revelation had clicked with me at the time. Perhaps I would've been more bold. Perhaps not. I could also have said something really stupid and made things worse. That seems very likely.

Even as a kid, I just wanted to be nice to people and have them be nice back. That's how my folks raised me. Don't be rude or short with people. Don't tease or swear at them or call them names. Just don't be mean. That was the philosophy and I still hold to that today. As a Christian I feel its even more applicable. Jesus loved sinners, right? So should the Church, because we really aren't any better. I try to do that very thing each day. But could I be responding with too much compassion and not enough conviction? Sure, Jesus had unconditional love, but he also said to sin no more. The latter is just as important as the former. Am I being wishy-washy in my approach and being a lukewarm Christian? I really don't want to be that. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be immeasurable in love and generosity while being firm and courageous to stand against the opposition. Alone, if necessary. I want His approval and blessings in life.

I might just be getting too critical of myself. For all I know, I could've very well done the right thing in how I reacted in that situation. That guy might've been left with a positive experience around a Christian when he might otherwise have had poor ones in his past. I'll keep praying about it and continue on with the intention of being stronger in the future.

-L. Travis Hoffman

12/19/2014

Eating With Sinners

With the exception of early elementary school, I was never someone who had a whole lot of friends. I wasn't into sports, yo-yos, or Pokémon. Come middle school, I didn't go to the canteens or listen to Linkin Park. I managed to find some appreciation from the theatre crowd in high school, but I can't really say that I hung out with many of them outside of the auditorium. 

Likewise, I wasn't someone who socialized at church. I absolutely loathed the junior high ministry with its clique-ish guilt trip they tried to pull on what they referred to as, "loners". The high school ministry was much more accommodating. They gave me my space and I even went on a couple trips.  I'm far more approachable since then, but I don't go out of my way to have conversations with people in church. Which you would think, with my rather vanilla, square behavior that I would fit right in. *

Oddly enough, it was the opposite. Some of the friends I made in high school were pretty much the other direction of how I lived and believed. I made a friend my sophomore year who really loved smoking pot. Those who know me well can tell you that I hate the smell of marijuana and have never had much desire to try it. He had a passive, anti-religion outlook and he was pretty cynical and judgmental. For some reason, I found a lot of that to be hilarious. I still do. He was a very funny guy. But the big reason, the main reason, I hung with him was because his girlfriend was someone I knew for a couple of years. That was the motivation to hang around. His girlfriend was hot, so we all hung out.

My junior year arrived and I lost interest. The activities had grown monotonous and I wouldn't involve myself in their particular tastes, so I stopped hanging around after a while. There was no falling out or anything. It just kind of faded away. I got involved in theatre and found myself among a motley crew of colorful characters. Guys and gals. Liberals and conservatives. Straight and gay. Quite and loud. And yes, the very religious and the not so religious. When I was good, they loved me. I mean, really, really, loved me. I was somehow the polar opposite in that I could be very personable and charismatic in this milieu. The theatre gig followed me into graduation. 

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. It's not an indictment of introverts or extroverts or friendships. Actually, it's a celebration of these things. More than that, it's an encouragement and acknowledgement of the opportunities that we can make use of as Christians. 

It's said that bad company corrupts good character. That's very true and I've seen friends and acquaintances taken to some dark places and, in a few cases, death. We, that is, the Body of Christ, need to have someone close to lean on and hold us accountable and we likewise do the same. It's also said that Jesus ate with sinners and tax collectors and was criticized by the religious elite. The difference is that Jesus was showing compassion toward these individuals who were living on the fringe of society. He knew that they were living sinful lives, but also that they were hated and judged without any thought of offering help. Jesus, a respectable member of society, was the only one to give friendship and tell them that they were of value. As a result, many lives were changed and contributed to the spread of Christianity. 

We need to do the same. Many among the Body of Christ have become too focused on sins and less on sinners. Homosexuality is the current pet sin in the Church. "Hate the sin, love the sinner," they say. It's trite and hypocritical. We destroy a friendship before it's even been made! Why are we so quick to highlight their sins but not our own? How often have you heard this phrase applied to, say, someone who is prone to gossip? How about rage? Hubris?  I say, "Love the sinner." That's it. I'm not affirming a person's sin, but I am showing that I'm no better.     

I think back to all the different people I've associated with and befriended in the past. To my credit, I was not someone who turned up my nose for what I recognized as being sinful. Not all the time. Rather, I found common grounds on which to relate and enjoy with them. My regret is that I was passive in my faith and I missed moments where the Lord could've used me. I'm trying my best to rectify this as an adult and be conscientious for those openings. I urge you to do the same.  

- L. Travis Hoffman

11/25/2014

* This not how I actually perceive myself or other Christians. I'm merely using a caricature for the sake of making a point. 

I'm not sure and that scares me, but I'm believing anyway.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24

Many a time I've read this verse and found myself disappointed. I've done it so many times. So many times. Most of the time, as far as I can recall, I've felt dejected. It's enough to make one give up. It's enough to stop trusting God for anything.

With so many occasions of heart break, you'd think I'd be advising against giving any credence to Mark 11:24 and tell you that it doesn't work. You're going to be disappointed. I'm going to tell you that it does work. Not only that, but I'm going to tell you to believe in it. 

We express our faith everyday. We have faith that we are good people. We have faith that God exists. We have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow. Why? Because there are people and events that support these things. Likewise, we have support of God's word.

Have you accepted Christ's gift of sacrifice and salvation? I have. That is the single most greatest promise Jesus has made to man and He followed through on it. What does my prayer request compare to that? My wants, meaningful or not, are absolutely nothing when put against the saving of my soul. Do I have a legitimate reason to doubt His promises?

Consider the amazing things that occur throughout the history covered within the Bible. A shepherd becomes a great king. A doubtful, yet faithful man is chosen to lead 300 men in battle against an army of at least 135,000 and manages to scare them off by playing trumpets. A Roman dedicated to exterminating Christians suddenly pulls a complete 180° and becomes one of their most devout followers. A group of blue-collar workers choose to follow Jesus, turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble, and then, inexplicably, become willing to die for Christ's teachings and spread the word across countries and continents and are the very reason I'm typing this blog right now.

I'll go ahead and tell you my request, my number one desire that I want more than anything in my life. I'd like to be married. I want to spend my life with someone who loves me and whom I can devote myself to. I even have a particular date in mind to be married (not telling). Thing is, I don't have a lot going for myself. I'm socially inept, financially dependent, and not particularly attractive. I SHOULD BE JUMPING FOR JOY!
Think about it! I'm more-or-less a person on the fringe. Not particularly wanted or unremarkable, which is exactly the type of person that God uses and blesses with great things!

I'm grateful for being all these things. I don't want to be attractive or confident because I'm left with nothing but my Christ to depend on. Do I get discouraged? Yes. Do things look nothing like I wish they were at this very moment? Absolutely. I feel overwhelmed and can't help but break down and cry sometimes, but I'm believing anyway. GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR PRAYERS. He has a talent for taking a sad song and making it better. It's the 180° effect. People change and circumstances change. I'm looking forward to being one of those stories that prove it. :)

-L. Travis Hoffman

11/22/2014

Side note: Feel free to help me with my prayer requests by sending prayers of your own.

 

Good, Evil, Tragedy, and the Lord

Today I stumbled upon a recent news story. Chris Picco, a new father, had to suffer not only with the death of his wife during childbirth, but also the eventual death of his newborn son, Lennon. For those three days he lived, Chris would play guitar and sing to his son. It was filmed with an intention to share it to friends and loved ones. I watched him strum and sing to his baby boy as they're separated in the NICU. It didn't hit me until several minutes after, and then I started crying for Chris Picco. I cried for this poor man as he was robbed of two people who meant the world to him. His life will never be the same.

Things like this happen every day. Disease and war and famine take the ones people cherish and bring darkness and despair into their lives. And one can't help but ask, "How could a loving God allow such things to happen? How could a loving God let a baby, a baby that's done nothing wrong, be taken from his father?"

There is an answer. Although it more often than not seems unable to alleviate our anguish. That answer is the Problem of Good.

For all the sadness to be found in the death of his wife and son, there is so much good that should be seen. What about the doctors that worked hard to save them? What about those few days that Chris Picco was able spend those precious moments with Lennon? What of those who are supporting Chris Picco as he suffers from this loss? Are there no good in these things?

I am not trying to marginalize this man's loss. This is indeed an awful, awful thing. I intend on praying for him (as I hope you, the reader, will) and have faith that he can move forward with the Holy Spirit working in him.

The significance of this tragedy has not yet been fully realized. There are so many possibilities of good that can come out of this. This video is reaching millions through youtube, touching hearts. If it motivates even one person to act, then there is good in that. Donations toward research. Awareness. The knowledge of how precious life is and how important it is to value ourselves and others. We, the body of Christ, must be the light of the world. A hope in utter despair. Christ's love through our actions. If there is great evil prevalent in this world, than the Church must overshadow it.

I conclude this with the words of Augustine.

"For the almighty God, who, as even the heathen acknowledge, has supreme power over all things, being Himself supremely good, would never permit the existence of anything evil among His works, if He were not so omnipotent and good that He can bring good even out of evil."

-L. Travis Hoffman

11/13/2014

http://www.wcnc.com/story/life/2014/11/13/father-sings-to-his-dying-newborn-son/18976709/

My Birthday Wish

Lately I've found myself with feelings rending my heart. Little moments. Pangs. Sometimes I just out and out weep. Other times I just find the energy in me gone. But I find joy in knowing that things are changing, even when I or those around me are unaware as to what at the moment.

If there is anything I can have for my birthday, it would be God's blessings and the wisdom that where I am now can change, can be better. Sometimes to the point of a 180. Lord, bless me.

In My Life

I've spent the better part of a decade not knowing what to do with my life, stressing over my meaning and purpose. It's kept me from growing. It made me attempt suicide. Even now, I still find myself contemplating my future.

For the past three to four years I've felt this premonition, this strange tug in my mind, that I would die soon. That I would pass before I reached 28. Those that I told this to have thought I was being at best, paranoid, and at worst, suicidal.

Because I didn't want to spend my remaining days living afraid and unadventurous, it emboldened me to go where I normally wouldn't. It led me to do things that I would ordinarily not do. Good and bad. I became more open about my thoughts and feelings and a little less timid. It also led me to trying alcohol and being overly and stupidly flirtatious. Ugh, is that ever embarrassing when I think about it...

I don't believe this anymore. Not because I think I was wrong, but because things have changed. God's will in motion, if you'd like. If I didn't change, then I would die and it would be an empty, meaningless death. But I was being forced to change, being prepared in character for meaningful things down the road, for better or worse.  I'm uncertain as to how much I've changed and perhaps only time will tell.

I'm not so much afraid of my future now as I am anxious to see it come to pass. I want to be remembered. I want to be missed and loved when I die. I want to leave knowing that I've made some sort of impact, that I've influenced and led in facilitating change in the world. I want a life of significance.

This I do believe; I am on my way.

-L. Travis Hoffman

11/3/2014   

Relax.

It's easy for Christians to get too caught up in the problems in the world. Sin is an awful thing. There's murder, starvation, poverty, sickness, and far too many horrible things to list here. The Problem of Evil is a legitimate existential question, but so is the Problem of Good. A universe devoid of goodness is also devoid of God. We need to appreciate that we live in a universe that has both. We need to remember to enjoy life.

I once read a quote from actor Hugh Laurie where he said, "I don't believe in God, but I have this idea that if there were a God, or destiny of some kind looking down on us, that if he saw you taking anything for granted he'd take it away."

I think a lot of us act this way. I act this way. I'll get apprehensive when something good comes my way, anticipating the moment when the other shoe drops and things go straight to hell. I'm a serial pessimist, okay? I'm working on it.

But we rob ourselves of a gift when we do this. We miss the blessings that God's given us when we live in a perpetual state of guilt of having won the "birth lottery". We shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with being financially successful or splurging on ourselves now and then. It's okay to enjoy some degree of materialism in our lives.

Every now and then I'll encounter someone who feels the need to be a Debbie Downer.

"Oh, you guys went out for ice cream? There's so many in Africa who can't even afford to own a cow."

"You got a fifty cent raise? That's less than this woman will make in three months."

"It's too bad everyone is paying all this attention to *insert celebrity* when there's genocide going on right this moment."

Give me a break!

Yes, these things suck. They're horrific, heart-rending things. But what are we supposed to aspire to as human beings if we're not allowed to enjoy anything? We're supposed to be the light of the world. Christianity is and must be a beautiful and meaningful thing but we have to understand the meaning!  Even those who suffer are able to find joy and happiness in their circumstances. In many ways, it shows us that their strength in Christ is much greater than those living in prosperity. However, I'm not about to say that a prosperous life is inherently detrimental to one's spiritual life and I don't think Jesus would, either. It's said that it's better to give than to receive, not that giving is the only good thing.

We have to balance. I've made a personal goal to give a substantial amount of money (not disclosing the amount, it's not my intention to brag) toward a few causes. I also bought my brother a birthday present and a DVD for myself at Barnes and Noble today. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

We recognize the gifts God has blessed us with while actively searching for the potential blessings of sacrificing and denying ourselves. The key words being "actively searching".

-L. Travis Hoffman

10/27/2014

The Question of Lust part II

This blog entry is a direct continuation of its "part I" counterpart. The letter in subject by Dr. Dobson can be read here: http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/letter-dr-james-dobson-focus-family/  Also, this is where it's probably going to get at its most awkward. To call this topic taboo would be something of an understatement, so you've been warned.

Dr. James Dobson's letter of reply to someone inquiring about the morality of masturbation has also led to some similar divides in opinion. "My advice is to say nothing [to your children] after puberty has occurred. You will only cause embarrassment and discomfort," he stated. He then related a time in his youth where his father, a conservative minister, discussed the subject and told him, "I don't believe it has much to do with your relationship with God."

To Dr. Dobson's credit, he seems to offer a lot more insight into his views as opposed to Pope Francis. He cites his reasons for choosing not to condemn it outright, while also making a point to address the implications and causes for engaging in the practice. While I do believe that he makes a strong case for his position, my convictions lead me to disagree with his conclusions. I don't read it with the sense that he's fully addressed and answered the question of lust.

My first criticism lies with Dr. Dobson's statement regarding its frequency among boys. I'm uncertain as to whether he is actually citing statistics or giving a ballpark figure (he's most likely right, in either case), but I don't think the fact that masturbation as a commonality necessarily excuses it from being sinful. Sin, in and of itself, is a commonality. It's universal. Not only that, but sin is a personal thing. That masturbation is typical among humanity is only evidence that lust happens to be the sin most popular over the others. It's prevalence can be largely related to our ever-changing sexual mores and the lessening of modesty within fashion and the arts. In turn, it has an effect on the latter and the circle continues to perpetuate itself.

The letter next goes into the accumulating guilt that comes with repeatedly trying and failing to kick the habit. Men will grow to feel spiritually worthless, broken, and without hope. Dr. Dobson believes that this leads many to abandon their faith as a result. I'm sure that he's correct on this, but, again, does this exempt it from being regarded as sinful? Would we apply this same logic to someone suffering with alcoholism? Of course not.

As I mentioned before, repentance requires sacrifice. If we're not willing to give something up, it does hinder our relationship with God. Our walk with Christ does not come without struggle or stumbling, but our salvation does not hinge on these things. It's what distinguishes Christianity from every other religion. Good works and abstinence from sin is a product of salvation, not the other way around. We have to keep that in mind. You fail, I fail, and the person two houses down fails, too. I lust, I dishonor my parents, I lie, I steal, I speak and act on my own desires. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even three months from now, but I'll fall to my own temptations at some moment in time.

Which brings me to my next point. Dr. Dobson says, "Regardless of what you do, you will not stop the practice of masturbation in your teenagers. That is a certainty." I find myself again and again agreeing with his statements, albeit not in the same way. You can't stop your teenagers. You can't stop yourself. You're not meant to and God doesn't need or want you to. We let Christ work in us. We submit ourselves. He's the only one capable of healing us. We still may stumble, but we ask forgiveness and let Him into us once more. We can't let failure keep us from growing closer to God.

These were the primary things of Dr. Dobson's letter that stirred my convictions. Could he be right? Maybe. Certainly there's a part of myself and many of us that would like to believe so, but we have to reflect on the why of that acceptance. If we're honest with ourselves, it's probably so that we can indulge ourselves with a clear conscience. I'll admit that I've been guilty of this very thing. I might very well fall victim to this mindset again in the future. I sincerely hope not, but it's not impossible. But we need to consider what our spouses or significant others would think when we choose to mentally undress other people. For me, that is the deal-breaker. I can't bear the thought of being betrayed by my own future wife and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of doing it to her. We need to apply this same perspective in our relationship with God. Easier said than done, to be sure, but an imperative nonetheless.

The Church must be ready and able to address the question of lust. We can't compromise and we can't keep sweeping the subject under the rug. We should ask questions and we should meditate on the Word. We should be thorough in our studies of history, linguistics, and culture so that we can develop an informed opinion on the subject. We need to be open with our own sins of lust and be loving and helpful to one another, recognizing their value to Christ and the talents and gifts they have. Lastly, we need to learn to give our struggles to God.

Pray, submit, and love your fellow sinners.

The Question of Lust part I

There's no way that this blog entry won't be read by anyone without the word "awkward" jumping to one's mind. This is, in some ways, a deeply personal reflection of myself. However, it's my firm belief that having transparency when speaking on my walk with Christ is an absolute necessity with regards to sharing my meditations on doctrine and life as a Christian. With that out of the way, let's focus on the subject of this piece. 

We can't escape sex in our world. It permeates everything. Not that this is a relatively new thing. Christians and conservative thinkers, in particular, like to paint our culture as having only recently gotten sex-obsessed. The origin of said social illness is frequently attributed to the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s. Free love and all that sort of thing. Aren't we kidding ourselves, here? Did we suddenly forget about the Roaring Twenties? How about the fact that back in the days of American colonization one in three Puritan women were pregnant prior to getting married? Or that prostitution is commonly referred to as the world's oldest profession? Civilization, at large, has always been keen on indulging their lusts.

As someone of the hairier sex, I can certainly relate. I have never had any inclinations or addictions toward pornography, as I've always viewed it as a devaluing toward women and sex. And while I've always found it to be a despicable, I'm still one to struggle with lust as a vice. I've gone through periods throughout my life where it's been an issue, be it with masturbation or cynicism and despair toward attraction and its relationship to love.  It's been my faith that has kept me going through these types of problems. Which is why it's interesting when the body of Christ has its moments of division when discussing lust and sexuality.

The two things that immediately provoke thought in me are Pope Francis's ever-unveiling views on homosexuality and a letter by Dr. James Dobson addressing masturbation.

The Pope's reaction toward a question speaking to homosexuals within the Roman Catholic Church elicited a mixture of positive and negative rhetoric. "Who am I to judge?" he'd said. The Vatican quickly explained that Pope Francis was stating his unwillingness to put one type of sinful temptation over another in terms of its intrinsic evil. For many Christians, myself included, this was taken as a very spiritually mature viewpoint to express and was an effective step toward showing the Church as something focused on healing in Christ and not a body that would allow legalism to interfere with His work. God wants all of His children to accept the gift of salvation, regardless of what sin they might fall prey to.

More recently, Pope Francis spoke about the contributions that homosexuals within the Church can bring and, once again, that they should not be discriminated against because of their particular struggle. This particular statement, however, gives me mixed feelings.

I reiterate that my struggle with sin makes me no more or less worthy of hell than any other of my fellow man. I absolutely deserve damnation and there's nothing I can or could do to atone for my evils. That Christ is willing to forgive me and anyone else is what makes Him such a loving and wonderful God. However, we must be willing to repent of our sins and accept His offer to save us. Repentance does not take away our desire or nature to sin, submission does. Admitting that we are slaves to our sins and that we cannot escape our evil. Only allowing Christ in us can we move forward. We may struggle our entire lives with certain sins, but continued submission and repentance to Christ will always bring us closer to Him. This is where I take issue with Pope Francis's recent comments.

I most definitely agree that anyone and everyone within the body of Christ has something to contribute and add to His kingdom. Where I take issue is how he goes about identifying Christians that share same-sex attraction. It gives me less the impression that Pope Francis is saying that all Christians, all sinners, are of value to the Church and speaks more like those living in sexual sin (specifically homosexuals) have carte blanche to continue what they are doing as they bring their gifts to the table.

I'll use an example. I've read articles that bring up the question of whether or not one can be a "Gay Christian". As much as this might be interpreted as a silly case of semantics, I think the wording is very important. There's a difference between calling one's self a "Gay Christian" versus a "Christian who struggles with same-sex attraction".  The former implies that they accept their same-sex attraction as a part of their identity and that they view it as permissible.  The latter says that they are a follower of Christ that admits to having trouble with sexual sin. Their homosexuality is not their identity, but it is their vice. Therein lies the distinction.

I'm not about to declare that Pope Francis is in the wrong with his statements. I think that he's being a very compassionate man who legitimately wants to further the kingdom of God in places where many feel unwanted or jaded with the Church. My reservation, perhaps, pertains more to his lack of clarity. I really wish that he would just make a public declaration of his views and address any lingering questions that are of concern to Roman Catholics and Christians outside of their church. Pope Francis needs to answer the question of lust. I want to know if he believes same-sex attraction is a sin of lust. I'd like to know if he's going to lead the Church in the focus to teach that life with Christ means being willing to let go of everything, to realize that our sins are not who we are. Our sins, our weaknesses, are what reveal God's strength. There is no sin in our lives that is wholly inescapable if we are willing to let go and ask God how to live the way He desires. The pope needs to stress the perspective that God is not denying us something good, but offering us something so much better. We need only have a little faith and trust in Him. That goes for all of us.

 L. Travis Hoffman-

11/19/2014

Why I'm Confidently Unconfident

Confidence is for people who think they have things figured out. I'll rely on God to do that, thank you.

That's what has been my problem for so long. Everywhere I turn, people have given me this trite and tired advice. Not getting traction in your career? Be more confident. No luck in your love life? Girls love confident men. Suffering from depression? Snap out of it. It's all in your head. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But what does that really mean?

According to dictionary.com's definition and what everyone else commonly interprets it as being, confidence is "belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance". Hmm. Going by that, shouldn't all those people giving out this advice be taking it as well? How are all these gurus surrounding me unmarried, working a dead-end job, and wallowing in 10 years plus worth of mental illness?

I'll tell you why. Control. We see others in a bad situation and conclude that it is within their ability to determine the outcome. We find ourselves in that situation and discover that we can't make things go our way, no matter how hard we believe in ourselves. Then when we decide to relate our experience with another, they pass along that same little nugget of wisdom that we just used on our friend before us. And we still believe it!

We have to stop being so full of ourselves in thinking that we've got it all figured out. Confidence is a marketing tool. It's a commercial for razors and perfume. It's materialism and narcissism. It's ignorance of our limitations and ignorance of God's power. It's thinking that we can live life on our own.

I had myself convinced that if I were to live a happy and fulfilled life that everything fell on my shoulders to do it. If I wanted a career then I'd have to this. If I expect to make friends, then do that. If I want people to be attracted to me and find love then I have to do X, Y, and Z. I can't do that anymore. I never could. No matter how hard I tried, how much I did my homework, I failed. I'm a total failure.

Things aren't that much better right now, either. I'm not working as a writer. My closest friends are either far away or refuse to even talk to me. I struggle with intense anxiety. I still have no idea what in the world I'm here to do. And you want to know something? I'm at peace with it.

I took it to Christ. The turning point came on a day where I was feeling worthless. A mistake. A real piece of $h!+. I broke down and cried. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. And I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Then something a good friend told me earlier in the day clicked with me. "Remember the mustard seed," she told me. Even the smallest measure, the smallest gesture of faith in Christ can change things. So I would submit myself. I would admit that my attempts to do things on my own had ended in constant failure and ever-increasing heartbreak. 

That day was a game-changer. I asked for healing of my mind, my depression. Over the years I had made many attempts in prayer to have my mental illness taken from me. It would always end in anger and bitterness. I had little hope that anything would come out of it this time, either. But that one small gesture of faith after being disappointed proved what my best friend said. I'm happy to say that I no longer suffer from my depression. 

It's weird making that declaration. For one, I've been suffering on and off (mostly on) from depression for over twenty years. Specifically, Dysthymia. It's all I've known, so saying something to the contrary feels very alien and, admittedly, uncomfortable. And then there will be people who think that I'm crazy, which is perfectly understandable. I'm very much the same way in most instances. That I'm speaking of this openly and candidly speaks to how much it has affected me. This is not a placebo. This is Jesus. YEAH, BO-OIIIIII! HOLLAH! (Ignore these two exclamations. It's embarrassing.)

It sucks that I don't have my friends to turn to right now. I hate the fact that I still get anxious about the most trivial of things or even big things like career or marriage. Things aren't perfect and they'll never be. But I am at peace with the fact that Christ will care for me.

Maybe I'm not in the right place right now for the things that I really want to come to pass. I'll level with you when I say that that's dead obvious. My relationship with Christ needs a lot of work, stuff that I need to do on my end. If my relationship with God is in a state of disarray then how should I expect a relationship with a girl to function well? (That's to say nothing of her relationship with God, either)  If I want the responsibilities and enjoyment of a career, shouldn't I be obeying and enjoying my Savior? All this other stuff is just gravy.

We keep getting caught up in wanting to do things our way and on our terms. We'll even justify it to ourselves. We justify our apathy. Sure, on occasion, we'll do something God would want of us. But it has to be easy. Otherwise, we decide to just compromise. We'll do it half-way. We'll believe one thing but decide that the other thing, that must be wrong. We wouldn't want to inconvenience ourselves, would we? God would never ask us to do or believe something that might adversely affect us. (That's sarcasm, by the way)

We have to prepare ourselves for those moments where things won't be pleasant. They will pay off, in the long run. We may not earn our blessings, but our actions determine whether we're mature enough for them. To keep things in perspective, I pray in the morning. I ask God three things:

1.) What can I do for You?

2.) How can I live my life the way You intend it to be?

3.) How can I receive Your blessings?

It reminds me that God is greater than me, but also that He has plans for me and He wants me to participate in seeing them through. Good things. Fulfilling things.   

I say all this with the foreknowledge that I will, without fail, bollocks this up again. Repeatedly, because I'm an idiot. Hopefully, I won't do it as much as I would have had this experience never taken place.

I didn't write this to brag. I'm a rather crappy individual, so it would be something of a joke to prop me up above other people. I'm writing this to prove that Christ does heal. He does answer prayers. Maybe you're not ready and you've got some things to work out with Him first. Patience and perspective are important. You can't do life on your own.

I end this blog entry with these few words: "Remember the mustard seed."

-L. Travis Hoffman

10/4/2014         

A Love/Hate Relationship With Myself

I was lying in my bed tonight and thinking of what I am, what I see myself to be, and what I wish I was. I was thinking about the ugliness of myself and the things that make me believe my existence to be something of benefit and worth admiration.

I like that I can feel. That I can experience emotions and embrace them and, for the most part, not be bothered by having that quality. I hate that I’m emotionally frail, that I break from the smallest of slights and collapse in on myself from outright rejection.

I admire that I’m inquisitive. I love to learn about things, sometimes to the point of absurdity. I love to share what I know. But I’m also overly analytical. I’m paranoid and insecure, constantly asking myself what my peers really think of me. I read into every little gesture, every facial expression, every word and how it is spoken.

I love creativity and artistry. I love that I write and I believe that words are beautiful and can communicate beautiful things. I love that I can sing (somewhat) and that I’m in touch with the subtleties of something as simple as a raised note and how it can make me feel closer to the musicians and composers. But I’m an arrogant and pompous ass. I retreat into my mind and cut down others’ tastes and I’m overly critical of my own attempts at artistic ventures. So often I find myself unable to complete projects and it’s frustrating.

I am a Romantic at heart and it pleases me to be such. I’m an idealist with the odd dichotomy of being, in my friend’s words, “a raging pessimist”. I like grandiose expressions of love. I’ve never stood outside a girl’s house with a boom box playing, but I’d like to do it if given the chance. When we were still together, I would write letters to my girlfriend even though I had just gotten off the phone with her after a six hour conversation. We both loved it and I miss being able to do that for her. It’s usually looked on as rather quaint and saccharine and almost always followed up by an eye roll and a snicker, which is unfortunate. There’s this opposition of putting the one you love on a pedestal, which I don’t think that I’ll ever understand. If both parties are doing it, then they’re never really on uneven footing. You love someone with the intention of enriching their lives, not focusing on your own. Still, I can look at the ridiculousness of my gestures and have a good laugh about it.

I appreciate that I’m an introspective person and not afraid to laugh at myself or admit to my mistakes and/or overall incompetence. I cope with self-deprecating humor and a shrug of the shoulders. I’m an eccentric individual and there’s not much that I can do to escape that description. I like it, though. I relate well to quirky people and find those traits to be endearing. I fear that it ends up coming off as pretentious, though, which goes back to my sense of insecurity. In my introspection I’m constantly making excuses for myself and not wanting to take responsibility in certain matters. I had put a lot of blame on my first girlfriend for our break-up. It was virtually all my fault and I really had no business taking my pain out on her. She didn’t deserve it. At times, regrettably, I’m harshly judgmental. I made that mistake recently and it made me feel like garbage. Thankfully, I’m not like that on a regular basis.

I hate not being able to simply speak and say what I’m feeling or thinking because I’m constantly stumbling and stuttering and coming across as inarticulate. I want to connect with people, but I can never seem to form or keep stable my relationships or friendships because I can’t express myself adequately enough. I find myself always afraid to voice an opinion when so often I’m put in a place where I’m surrounded by people of staunchly differing views.

But the thing I prize the most, the thing I that I could never find fault in myself, is my need to dignify and praise those around me and show them compassion. To compliment, to see and vocalize the things that make them so amazing to me but that they can’t or won’t be willing to admit to themselves. For some people, it makes them crazy and, at times, suspicious. I find joy (and, in some cases, amusement) in trying to get through their thick skulls that they are beautiful, that they mean the world to me and to others and that I wish so deeply that they could see themselves through my own eyes just so that they wouldn’t hurt or think less of themselves anymore. I cry for these people because I’ve known that pain for so long and the thought of those I care about having to bear that burden…it weighs on my heart. It’s a lonely thing and I don’t want them to be alone.

I’m not really sure why I decided to post this on here. Maybe I just needed to openly acknowledge that I have an on-going love/hate relationship with Logan T. Hoffman. He really is a great guy and a pleasant fellow that pisses me off fairly regularly. But still, he isn’t *that* bad a guy. I have a hard time admitting it, but I do believe it to be true. And hopefully one day, many others will share that sentiment. 

Logan Travis Hoffman
3-30-2014