Merry (?) Christmas

It's been a rough period, lately. A lot of emotional turmoil between myself and friends and the family. Issues of trust, faith, and character. It has really taken its toll on me. This last week, in particular, has been very stressful. There was some conflict with my parents regarding a spontaneous, but well-meaning decision I had made. They had objections to the fact that I would end up missing a work day for the sake of doing this friendly deed. I felt unfairly judged by them. I felt my friend was being unfairly judged by them. I felt like they weren't being compassionate Christians or supportive of me trying to be just that. It came off like they were more concerned about money than anything else. It really irritated me.

I am a responsible person, especially where work is concerned. I understand that a job is important and that one should be reliable in their occupation. At the same time, I can think of moments where my parents have done exactly what I have done and didn't get called out on it. That contributed partially to my vibe that my parents were acting selfish, having that double-standard. I wasn't doing this for fun. And it wasn't. I was being there for a good friend who was hurting. It was physically and emotionally tasking. It was confusing for me and frustrating because I couldn't stay and didn't know what to do to help.

The next few days move slowly, agonizingly slow. I don't hear from my friend. No calls. No texts.  I'm on my knees constantly praying for hours. Come Christmas Eve, I get a couple of texts from my friend and a phone call. Everything is okay. But I'm not convinced. I spend the next hour or two quietly praying to myself and something dons on me.

It's Christmas. Christmas Eve, technically, but the purpose was the same. It's a holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus. The son of God and the one who gave his life for me. The man who saved my soul. Here I was, focused so much on my woes, and I was losing sight of the most important thing in all life. Realizing this, I made a conscious effort to try and focus on Christ. Yet even still, my worries were dwelling in my mind. Or, more accurately, I was dwelling on my worries. I have no one to blame but myself for this.

This problem continued into Christmas Day. I receive a phone call from my friend and learn that my fears are realized. At least as far as I know. It was a kick to the gonads. I had been lied to by my friend. My friend that I had raced out to comfort and protect and be there for.

Even now, a few hours into December 26, 2014, my worries and sorrows weigh on me. I wanted so badly to have a good Christmas. I wanted to be able to focus on my Christ and I was too stupid to appreciate Him in full. Again, I have no one to blame but myself. After I sign off from my blog, I think an apology in prayer is demanded of me.

-L. Travis Hoffman

12/26/2014