Why I'm Confidently Unconfident

Confidence is for people who think they have things figured out. I'll rely on God to do that, thank you.

That's what has been my problem for so long. Everywhere I turn, people have given me this trite and tired advice. Not getting traction in your career? Be more confident. No luck in your love life? Girls love confident men. Suffering from depression? Snap out of it. It's all in your head. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But what does that really mean?

According to dictionary.com's definition and what everyone else commonly interprets it as being, confidence is "belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance". Hmm. Going by that, shouldn't all those people giving out this advice be taking it as well? How are all these gurus surrounding me unmarried, working a dead-end job, and wallowing in 10 years plus worth of mental illness?

I'll tell you why. Control. We see others in a bad situation and conclude that it is within their ability to determine the outcome. We find ourselves in that situation and discover that we can't make things go our way, no matter how hard we believe in ourselves. Then when we decide to relate our experience with another, they pass along that same little nugget of wisdom that we just used on our friend before us. And we still believe it!

We have to stop being so full of ourselves in thinking that we've got it all figured out. Confidence is a marketing tool. It's a commercial for razors and perfume. It's materialism and narcissism. It's ignorance of our limitations and ignorance of God's power. It's thinking that we can live life on our own.

I had myself convinced that if I were to live a happy and fulfilled life that everything fell on my shoulders to do it. If I wanted a career then I'd have to this. If I expect to make friends, then do that. If I want people to be attracted to me and find love then I have to do X, Y, and Z. I can't do that anymore. I never could. No matter how hard I tried, how much I did my homework, I failed. I'm a total failure.

Things aren't that much better right now, either. I'm not working as a writer. My closest friends are either far away or refuse to even talk to me. I struggle with intense anxiety. I still have no idea what in the world I'm here to do. And you want to know something? I'm at peace with it.

I took it to Christ. The turning point came on a day where I was feeling worthless. A mistake. A real piece of $h!+. I broke down and cried. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. And I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Then something a good friend told me earlier in the day clicked with me. "Remember the mustard seed," she told me. Even the smallest measure, the smallest gesture of faith in Christ can change things. So I would submit myself. I would admit that my attempts to do things on my own had ended in constant failure and ever-increasing heartbreak. 

That day was a game-changer. I asked for healing of my mind, my depression. Over the years I had made many attempts in prayer to have my mental illness taken from me. It would always end in anger and bitterness. I had little hope that anything would come out of it this time, either. But that one small gesture of faith after being disappointed proved what my best friend said. I'm happy to say that I no longer suffer from my depression. 

It's weird making that declaration. For one, I've been suffering on and off (mostly on) from depression for over twenty years. Specifically, Dysthymia. It's all I've known, so saying something to the contrary feels very alien and, admittedly, uncomfortable. And then there will be people who think that I'm crazy, which is perfectly understandable. I'm very much the same way in most instances. That I'm speaking of this openly and candidly speaks to how much it has affected me. This is not a placebo. This is Jesus. YEAH, BO-OIIIIII! HOLLAH! (Ignore these two exclamations. It's embarrassing.)

It sucks that I don't have my friends to turn to right now. I hate the fact that I still get anxious about the most trivial of things or even big things like career or marriage. Things aren't perfect and they'll never be. But I am at peace with the fact that Christ will care for me.

Maybe I'm not in the right place right now for the things that I really want to come to pass. I'll level with you when I say that that's dead obvious. My relationship with Christ needs a lot of work, stuff that I need to do on my end. If my relationship with God is in a state of disarray then how should I expect a relationship with a girl to function well? (That's to say nothing of her relationship with God, either)  If I want the responsibilities and enjoyment of a career, shouldn't I be obeying and enjoying my Savior? All this other stuff is just gravy.

We keep getting caught up in wanting to do things our way and on our terms. We'll even justify it to ourselves. We justify our apathy. Sure, on occasion, we'll do something God would want of us. But it has to be easy. Otherwise, we decide to just compromise. We'll do it half-way. We'll believe one thing but decide that the other thing, that must be wrong. We wouldn't want to inconvenience ourselves, would we? God would never ask us to do or believe something that might adversely affect us. (That's sarcasm, by the way)

We have to prepare ourselves for those moments where things won't be pleasant. They will pay off, in the long run. We may not earn our blessings, but our actions determine whether we're mature enough for them. To keep things in perspective, I pray in the morning. I ask God three things:

1.) What can I do for You?

2.) How can I live my life the way You intend it to be?

3.) How can I receive Your blessings?

It reminds me that God is greater than me, but also that He has plans for me and He wants me to participate in seeing them through. Good things. Fulfilling things.   

I say all this with the foreknowledge that I will, without fail, bollocks this up again. Repeatedly, because I'm an idiot. Hopefully, I won't do it as much as I would have had this experience never taken place.

I didn't write this to brag. I'm a rather crappy individual, so it would be something of a joke to prop me up above other people. I'm writing this to prove that Christ does heal. He does answer prayers. Maybe you're not ready and you've got some things to work out with Him first. Patience and perspective are important. You can't do life on your own.

I end this blog entry with these few words: "Remember the mustard seed."

-L. Travis Hoffman

10/4/2014