In My Life

I've spent the better part of a decade not knowing what to do with my life, stressing over my meaning and purpose. It's kept me from growing. It made me attempt suicide. Even now, I still find myself contemplating my future.

For the past three to four years I've felt this premonition, this strange tug in my mind, that I would die soon. That I would pass before I reached 28. Those that I told this to have thought I was being at best, paranoid, and at worst, suicidal.

Because I didn't want to spend my remaining days living afraid and unadventurous, it emboldened me to go where I normally wouldn't. It led me to do things that I would ordinarily not do. Good and bad. I became more open about my thoughts and feelings and a little less timid. It also led me to trying alcohol and being overly and stupidly flirtatious. Ugh, is that ever embarrassing when I think about it...

I don't believe this anymore. Not because I think I was wrong, but because things have changed. God's will in motion, if you'd like. If I didn't change, then I would die and it would be an empty, meaningless death. But I was being forced to change, being prepared in character for meaningful things down the road, for better or worse.  I'm uncertain as to how much I've changed and perhaps only time will tell.

I'm not so much afraid of my future now as I am anxious to see it come to pass. I want to be remembered. I want to be missed and loved when I die. I want to leave knowing that I've made some sort of impact, that I've influenced and led in facilitating change in the world. I want a life of significance.

This I do believe; I am on my way.

-L. Travis Hoffman

11/3/2014