10 Years Later

We're approaching the end of April and it just occurred to me that it has been a decade since I had made my suicide attempt. Hard to believe, because it doesn't seem *that* long ago. I was 17 at the time. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life. My mind was constantly bombarded by doubt and self-loathing. Any hope of career aspirations or creative autonomy looked completely out of reach. Then the straw that broke the camel's back in the form of complete rejection and unrequited love. I was hospitalized from Tuesday evening to Friday afternoon. Good times.

It was pretty agonizing trying to recover from that ordeal. But with the help of treatment, faith, family, and a girl named Kayla, I was able to get through the year without any more incidents. I was very fortunate.

Hardships like these tend to open your eyes to certain things about yourself and the world around you. For example, my abandoned and comically inept attempt at suicide by garden hose. Play that scenario in your head for a few moments. Aspects of my humor are considerably darker and altogether different in their self-deprecation. I've never made light of anyone else's troubles with self-harm, but I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous mine was and has been. It does affect your perception of how others feel around you and makes you perhaps a little too sensitive toward others. There's a tennis game of raging pessimism and cynicism against idealistic Romanticism that's constantly going on in my soul. And yes, it is as verbose and convoluted in my head as it is in print. I make an effort to compartmentalize it to blogs, but it likes to bleed over onto facebook and some of my conversations. There's healing in being vulnerable and having candor. Solidarity has its benefits.

So there it is. Here's to a ten-year anniversary of a botched suicide attempt!

-L. Travis Hoffman

4/28/2015

"It Doesn't Affect Me"

We're all familiar with this phrase. I've heard it countless times as I'm sure you have, too. Heck, you might've even said it yourself. Either way, it's there.

"Gay marriage doesn't affect me."

I counter this statement by saying that if gay marriage doesn't affect you (that is, the person making the claim), then it shouldn't matter if it isn't legalized or accepted into culture. Which we all know is untrue. The person does care. It affects their moral, ethical, and political sensibilities.  Maybe it's merely a case of simple equal rights. Maybe it's an imperative to gain societal acceptance. But there is something there. So let's not kid ourselves or anyone else by saying that the status of gay marriage has no bearing on our lives.

Now that we've arrived at this conclusion, both sides of the issue can lay claim to a vested interest of where  gay marriage stands. I'll share my own personal views on the matter. It's my opinion that gay marriage is something that should be voted on at a national level. When the polls are in, then the issue is settled. It's either legal or it's not. No more lobbyist or supreme court intervention. There should be no attempt to undo what is decided, one way or the other. We respect the democratic process and the will of the people. Though I'm not someone who would vote in favor of it, I at least feel that both sides would (or should, ideally) be treated fairly and respectfully when all is said and done.

My initial reason for not supporting gay marriage was not because of the convictions of my faith (though I do have these), but rather it pertained to public health. Having read some medical journals, I have reason to believe that the body does not accommodate to same-sex intercourse.  Because of that, I have felt that legitimizing homosexuality, despite the health risks, would be dishonest and, ultimately, have a negative effect on society. It's one thing to engage in the activity, it's another to promote and claim that it is equally safe and healthy. This appears to have no impact on public opinion, which likely means that gay marriage will be legal in due time.

If this does turn out to be the case, then I would encourage fellow Christians to be respectful and compassionate. We must remember that God is greater than any obstacle or tribulation. My concern within our culture, however, is that this will not be enough to appease the mainstream. If same-sex marriage is passed, I do not want to be forced into supporting it under threat of legal retaliation or being blackballed from a career. I don't want to be told that my views do not have equal protection under the First Amendment. Many of those in support of same-sex marriage also support a separation of church and state. Though this is nowhere in the Constitution, I will entertain this position in order to make a point. If religion should not be the last word in the determination of law, then neither should the government have any place to dictate church policy. It was for this reason, in fact, that Thomas Jefferson used the phrase in his letters in the first place.  

I need to make another point. Freedom of Speech and Thought does not mean freedom without consequence. There are people who oppose same-sex marriage who want to express their views in absolutely stupid ways. An auto mechanic who altogether refuses to serve a homosexual is stupid because he's not being forced to support the customer's views. He's being asked to fix a car. A group of students who start an "Anti-Gay Day" and wear shirts with Bible verses and target fellow students who are gay, using offensive labels and bullying. They are stupid. This is not Christian and it's not compassionate. It's deliberately inflammatory and does nothing to honor God. It should not be tolerated within the Body of Christ. So if you are among those who are considering these things, stop. Just stop. Don't be an instigator and don't be an idiot. If we want our thoughts to be heard, then we will do it civilly and without intentional provocation.We must use prayer and the Bible appropriately.

I rarely discuss this issue with others. I'm less interested in debating and more convicted toward listening and being respectful. The majority of people aren't going to change their mind, anyway. But I want to leave giving little doubt that I at least care, regardless of the outcome.

-L. Travis Hoffman

4/22/2015

Going Through the Motions

It's tough for me when it comes to reading the Bible. As important as it is to my life and as fascinating as I find it, I don't read it nearly as much as I should. I read about it and I read material pertaining to it, but the good book itself? Not so much.

It's not for lack of desire. I wouldn't even say that it's from lack of motivation. There's just those periods, those dry spells in my life, that make time spent reading to be fruitless. Nothing of value comes from it. I'm reading the words but nothing is sticking in my head. It's just me going through the motions so I can say that I read from my Bible today.

It occurs to me now that I'm approaching this from the wrong mindset. To say that nothing of value would come out of it would be a lack of understanding. I'm not saying that we should be content with just going through the motions, but we should understand that there is value in obedience. Reading the Bible, prayer, worship, etc. are all ways of expressing and communing to God. It's how we have a relationship with Him. And, like any relationship, we aren't going to be experiencing profound feelings of emotion or understanding each and every time. That's not how it works. If it did, it would make our relationships conditional and lacking in any genuine, meaningful love. God wants us to put in the work and show that He matters to us by obeying Him even when it's inconvenient, boring, or seemingly pointless. He always appreciates us for doing it, even if His love isn't felt in that very moment.

Let me reiterate that we shouldn't be content with going through the motions. We need to learn and change our ways and methods if we expect our relationship to have longevity. But we also need to recognize that hard work and loyalty does not always give instant gratification. If we can do this in our relationship with Christ, then we're certain to have success in other relationships.

-L. Travis Hoffman

3/17/2015

Where We Start and Where We Go

Part of one's beliefs as an adult are solidified by experience. Someone oppressed by Christian parents might leave the beliefs of their family. Those who are raised in a supportive or centralized culture may be more inclined to follow the practices and traditions of those around them. I'm no exception to this. I've been raised in a strongly observant Christian family from birth. Church, orthodoxy, and orthopraxy have always been in my life, however great the degree.

But our experiences at home aren't just the determining factor. Our outside experience is just as important. And whether negative or positive, they still have an impact. In some ways, I feel like it's stronger at reinforcing my faith. I've had some nasty encounters with atheists. Not all of them. Many, in fact, are quite pleasant and respectful. When I think about it, they're usually agnostics. But I've been around some of the most abrasive, condescending, closed-minded people who've identified themselves as non-believers.  Just mean-spirited and unpleasant.

I had to deal with a guy like that once. I was trying so hard to like him. In fact, I did like him. We had some common interests and laughed together quite frequently. But there were moments when he wouldn't shut up. It wasn't that I thought he shouldn't express his opinions and beliefs. I found it really interesting and informative. It was when he would denigrate my beliefs, my convictions, that I found myself biting my tongue. Occasionally, I would try to correct him on something he mistakenly claimed. Yeah, he didn't care. He believed whatever he wanted. After a while, I didn't even bother trying. I'd just nod my head and smile.

During this, and my many other ordeals I've gone through, I've concluded that I would never be that kind of person. My faith would find that conduct absolutely unacceptable. And, in the improbable event I became a non-believer, I would retain the respectful behavior of my former faith.

Now many non-believers would label me, this hypothetical atheist, as an enabler. The so-called "New Atheist" movement. Guys like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens. Men that believe they have no obligation against using polemics in their quest to eradicate the "evil" and "enslavement of minds" that is religion. Brilliant men, undoubtedly, but intellectual light-weights with regards to philosophy. If the New Atheists would require that from me, I'd rather not be one.

It's not like this doesn't go both ways. People of faith can be very aggressive and uncompassionate. Vindictive and judgemental. I don't blame those out there who have turned away. This seems no different than the New Atheists' attitude.

The Church cannot be this way. It is a spiritual and moral imperative. Truth without compromise, but truth in love. That cannot be stressed enough within the Body of Christ. A follower cannot condemn a person to an existence in hell while speaking of compassion five minutes later. It's blatant hypocrisy and it's wrong. We acknowledge our sins, forgive, repent, and help each other up. We don't deny hell, but we also recognize that we all deserve it when you get right down to it; no one can ever do enough good to measure up.

Through all this, I think about Pascal's Wager. For those who aren't in the know, I'll explain. Blaise Pascal argued that it is to one's favor to believe in God and be wrong than to not believe and be wrong. It's not a perfect argument by itself, but it serves the purpose to what I want to say. Some people won't find Pascal's Wager a compelling enough argument to choose a life in Christ. But, with the love and influence of the Church, we can tip the scales in His favor.

-L. Travis Hoffman

2/24/2015           

The Christian Cursing Conundrum

Another divisive issue. Cursing. Swearing. Four-letter words. You know about them, whether you keep them in your vocabulary or not. And it's stupid. I'm not talking about the words, I'm talking about there even being an issue, altogether. It's such a minor quibble in the scheme of things. I'm not saying we can't tackle multiple problems at once, but should this really have any serious priority?

I know people who live to both extremes and it is quite obnoxious. I knew someone who would cover their ears every time someone around him swore. Infantile. If I come out of an R-rated film with my parents, it's expected for my mom to say, "I could've done without the language," to which I end up rolling my eyes. I also know people who use F-bombs for every other word and it is extremely obnoxious. Oh, and they usually do it in public places and around children. That infuriates me to no end.

Now we can quote the usual scripture about not letting "unwholesome" talk come out or using words that edify others, and I agree with those verses. I don't, however, adhere to legalistic, watchdog nonsense. Context, ladies and gentle-fellows. It means a lot when it comes to scripture.

Consider what might've been viewed as unwholesome conversation during the early days of Christianity. Did you do it? Okay, now what do you look at as unwholesome today? I'm pretty sure poop and fart jokes would've been considered bad taste and sexual topics would definitely be taboo. How about the words "crap", "suck", and *gasp* "piss"? Offensive in 2015? Not so much.  I'm not saying we have carte blanche to use curse words up and down without any sort of conviction. I'm saying what I said before. Context.

If edifying language is the ideal, then unwholesome would likely be the exact opposite. Praising God vs. cursing Him or using His name frivolously. Words of encouragement vs. tearing someone down. Giving blessings vs. telling someone to go to hell. That, my friends, is context.

We should be respectful, though. Even though they might detest salty language, I have the love and respect to not do it around my parents, family, or friends because I value them enough not to make them uncomfortable. Certain friends and co-workers, I do. Many of them don't care and neither do I. No children, though. It's rude.  And I'm not frivolous about it. Mostly because I like showing off my impressive vocabulary.

"If you wouldn't say it in front of God, you shouldn't say it all," my mom would say. To which I respond, "Rubbish" (with due respect to Mom). There are a lot of things I wouldn't do in front of God. Going number two. Making love. Picking my nose. Dancing and singing alone when no one is home. None of these things are bad in and of themselves, but I'd rather in those moments have God looking away for a couple of minutes, had I the choice. I'd say the same idea applies here.

I'm not presenting any real solution here. Those who read this likely won't change their opinion. I get that. I'd say to just take someone else's point of view. Be respectful and use your language appropriately. I've found it very rewarding around my peers.

-L. Travis Hoffman

2/19/2015

Logic's Place in the Christian's Life

Some things just don't make sense in Christianity. They seem contradictory or improbable or downright impossible. Like the Trinity, for example. Or an existence where predestination works hand in hand with free will. I can understand if skeptics find themselves overcooking their noodle over certain concepts within the Bible. My mind can't wrap itself around these ideas, either. I'm left taking it on faith.

See, there's kind of the problem. What is faith? We don't seem to ever have a consistent, clearly-defined meaning for the word. And, depending on the interpretation, the skeptic may or may not be applying faith of some form in their own lives, further complicating the issue. We can't even settle on whether or not faith and reason are compatible or diametrically opposed to one another. Pascal and Kierkegaard supported the latter while Descartes and Thomas Aquinas believed in the former; all of these men were great thinkers and contributers to Christian thought.  Frankly, I'm at a loss as to what to believe.

Not that taking a side is somehow a deal-breaker with Christ or anything. I do wonder, however, whether one's relationship with Christ would be more rewarding intellectually. But then, something occurred to me. What if these elements in our faith, among others, are perfectly within a reason outside our reach?

In high school, I had an Earth Science teacher who told us once or twice that our knowledge of the universe is only as great as the technology that's available to us. Now I never got the impression that she was someone of faith, but her words have always stuck with me. It's a perfectly obvious fact that's lost on us.

Think of yourself as a child. You look at the world and see so many things and you have no idea why they work the way they do or their function. Yet we are completely aware that the adults around us do know these things and, as we grow more mature, we come to learn and understand the world.

I think that's mankind. Maybe the Trinity falls within a completely logical, rational means and we just haven't grown enough in spirit to understand it. Maybe we just need to be one on one with the Lord so He can explain it to us. And I'm okay with that. I think that's fair. It doesn't necessarily mean that the answer isn't available to us in this life. For all I know, God could reveal the answer tomorrow. I doubt it, but it could happen. I guess maybe that's where faith comes in.

-L. Travis Hoffman

2/15/15

Manhood and Complimentarianism

Men and women are not equal. Now before you grab your pitchforks and torches, allow me to elaborate. Men and women are equal intrinsically. God values and loves both sexes and wants everyone to accept the gift of salvation. But they are not equal in terms of purpose. Men and women are physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually different and no one debates that. As I continue, please keep that statement in mind to give you perspective.

Equality is a loaded word within today's culture. It's almost always associated with politics, often with volatile response. That's not the equality I'm referring to, although both types affect one another. Instead, I'm speaking of gender roles and responsibilities.

I'm a man. Well, I'd like to be one. I have a lot of work to do in order to achieve manhood. True manhood. Most men aren't men at all. They might do things that our culture defines as "manly", but that doesn't mean they're mature. Promiscuity, self-indulgence, hubris, selfishness, and aggressiveness are not what exists in the heart of a true man. A man is loyal and values the people closest to him and respects others. He defends and he honors while thinking before acting. He sacrifices his time and resources for the sake of those he loves. He admits his faults and apologizes when he's wrong. He listens and has sensitivity. He respects and honors femininity while appreciating and cherishing it. These are the things a man should aspire to.

Unfortunately, we don't. Guys look at these things as touchy-feely and more in the nature of a woman. And that's exactly the problem with guy culture. It's indicative of how complacent we've become. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Really? Rather than make the effort to better ourselves, we make excuses. We resign ourselves to an existence of mediocrity and romanticize it and say that it's okay. And women accept it as being okay. No, it's not.

My dad is a model of true manhood. He isn't perfect and we quite frequently don't see eye to eye, but I don't doubt the quality of his character. He works hard to provide for his family, sacrificing his time and his resources so we could (and can) live comfortably. He's respectful of others. He treats women as a true man should. He makes mistakes, but he has the humility to own up to it. He loves my mom with everything in him. He helped raise my siblings and I and did a fair job of it. I love my father dearly. If I ever become half the man he is, I'll be grateful.

Likewise, my mother fits the definition of a woman. It's in her nature to be nurturing. She works hard. She put her energies into raising us. She valued her children enough to choose them over a career or just making extra cash. She sacrificed time and what little money she had to provide. She cultivated our character and taught us values. She kept us healthy. In matters where my dad is totally clueless, she takes the lead. She loves my dad and respects him and appreciates what he does for her.

Some of you who read the previous paragraph might be infuriated and feel that, in comparison, my mom is depicted as contributing less. And you would be absolutely wrong. In fact, spend a day with any decent mother and you'll discover how incredibly hard-working they can be. Women work hard, but they do it in a different way.

Allow me to reference scripture.

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." -Ephesians 5:22-24

Okay, so this sounds like scripture is telling women that they are below men and are there to be glorified slaves. But keep reading.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." -Ephesians 5:25

Now we have some context. The first passage instructs women to submit to their husbands, but the second passage commands men to love their wives just like Christ loved the church. Christ submitted himself to the Church. He sacrificed himself and humbled himself for the Church. He died for the church. 

Just like it says wives should submit to their husbands, husbands should submit to their wives. They are just different in their ways. Not one better or lesser than the other. Allow me to make another comparison. The brain and the heart are two of the most important organs in the human body. One cannot survive without these organs. Yet they perform very different functions.  

We shouldn't resist or belittle our gender roles, but embrace them. No one is perfect, but no one should expect to be. We should still acknowledge the strengths of each sex and utilize them. I don't know when I'll achieve true manhood. I also don't know when my future wife will become a woman in the eyes of God. I do know, however, what I should aspire to be and that's enough for now. 

-L. Travis Hoffman

1/14/2015