Why is it so hard to enjoy God?

I'm left still pondering this question after having spent a good 20 minutes bawling my eyes out in prayer. I don't get it. We're told to always rejoice in God. But why is it so difficult to do so? If loving and enjoying God is the greatest form of pleasure, you would think one would have no difficulty in doing it. Literally any other enjoyable thing in the world you can jump right into and BOOM! you're finding the pleasure in it.

Now the go-to answer from a lot of Christians will be to say that these are other "lesser pleasures" that come easily and are fleeting. They'll say that pleasure in God is the only true pleasure of substance. It's an everlasting joy. Therefore, it necessitates effort on the part of the believer. But that's not an answer.  We already know that enjoying God is greater than any other pleasure. We want to understand the why behind it. God is the essence of joy, beauty, goodness, and truth. Being the essence of these things (and not the products of them), it seems strange that pleasure wouldn't be an inherent and immediate response. It's the difference between getting a bucket of water splashed on you versus getting swept up by the river the bucket was filled from.

We can all acknowledge that most of the things that we find pleasure in are just that. Things. With God we're referring to a person. Our pleasure comes from having a relationship with Him. And relationships require work and commitment in order to be fully realized and enjoyed. Yet even the early stages of a relationship between people can be enjoyable in itself. Who doesn't get a rush from the thrill of pursuing someone? But the pursuit of God isn't like that at all. Which strikes me as odd since marriage exists both as a means to holiness as well as serving as a representation of God and His love for humanity. I don't think that the comparison necessarily breaks down here, but there's definitely something missing that I can't put my finger on.

I decided to look this question up on google. Unfortunately, I didn't really come up with much in the way of satisfactory answers. In fact, I find myself having even more questions than when I had started. Given that I'm currently in the throes of a very deep and dark depression, the relationship between joy and suffering is something that regularly occupies my thoughts. We're to take comfort and recognize that the Christian's suffering is not meaningless or without benefit. God uses hardships to shape us to be more like Christ. He uses suffering to help us recognize our deepest need for Him. He uses pain as a way to draw us near to Him. But as I'm going through this, I'm having difficulty believing any of it to be true.

If God is using my hardships to make me more like Christ, why do I keep sinking deeper into sin? Why am I experiencing less freedom rather than more?

If God is using my suffering to recognize my deepest need for Him, why am I constantly questioning His goodness or whether He can be trusted?

If God is using my pain to draw me near to Him, why does He seem increasingly farther away with each day that passes? Why is there a creeping nihilism that's infiltrating my thought processes?

The most frustrating thing about all this is that I'm not going to get any answers. As much as I wish I was enjoying God and as frequently as I pray for the ability to do so, it's something that lies far out of my reach. Occasionally, I'll get a brief touch of it but then it's gone. It's as fleeting as those lesser pleasures. It's brevity is made all the more painful knowing that it's better.

The only thing I can do is stick through it and see if things work out. Problem is that I don't know if I can handle doing this much longer.

-L. Travis Hoffman

1/16/2020