Giving up (?)

When I first started this blog several years ago, I had set out with the intention of being transparent about my life in Christ. I wasn't going to pretend to know all the answers or to even claim that the answers I had were always the right ones. As the name of this blog describes, these are contemplations on my Christian walk. It's a journey. So with all that being clarified, this entry will be the most open and honest I've ever written. I'm not saying I'm right about any of this. I'm just being honest about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else if they know that they aren't the only ones that are experiencing much of the same pains. I don't know. It certainly hasn't given me any comfort.

I'm still stuck in my sinful and destructive patterns. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I can pray and fast and worship and do all that and it never seems to bring any lasting results. It's the same cycle. I see improvement and then I fall off the wagon. Over and over and over. I'm tired of it. And I'm angry at God. We're always being told that God knows what we need and He'll provide it when we ask. Okay. Fine. I need to stop sinning. I need to have a change in my heart. I need to hate my sins enough to leave them behind. I need to love and enjoy God more than anything else in the world. I've asked for all of these things many, many times. In fact, I ask for them nearly every day. Yet I still haven't received them. Why? If God wants me to stop my sins now, why wouldn't He provide me with everything that enables me to do so? If God wants me to love Him more than anything now, why not bring that change inside me so that I can?

I know, I know. This is where the argument for God's will comes into play. The possible explanation for Him not delivering what I need right away is that it somehow maximizes His glory if the change happens later. If I'm honest, I really don't care about God's glory right now. What I care about is not sinning anymore. If I'm being held accountable for sins that I can't break out of without God's provision, then I'm stuck anguishing and experiencing guilt over things that I can't change. Don't talk to me about free will because obviously, that's not enough. God can provide all the exits He wants for us to escape sin, but it doesn't make much difference if the condition of our hearts will continually lead us to make the wrong choices.

I want to stop sinning. I pray for it. I'm so thorough that I pray to want to want to stop sinning. But it's still here. I'm messed up. This is going to sound stupid and naïve but I can't think of any other way to describe the situation: it's not fair. If I try to overcome my sins on my own, I fail. So I'm told to go to God. But then when I do that and ask for what I need, I still don't get it and end up failing. Oh, and it still gets to be entirely my fault. No matter what I do, I'm set up to fail!

The whole thing is frustrating. I want to just say, "Screw it." Give up the faith and walk away. But I know too much. I know that if I leave and I'm wrong, I stand to lose everything. Plus I've gone down that road before. I know how empty it is. So there's the situation. If I stay, I'm miserable. If I leave, I'm miserable.

All that is to say that I haven't lost my faith. Nor is it my wish to no longer be a Christian. I still very much believe in the God I put my faith in years ago. But I don't trust Him now. Not much, anyway. I wish I could. I haven't seen much to give me that confidence. I look at my best friend who has shut me out of her life and is lost deep in sin. I pray for her to be saved, transformed and delivered out of her self-destructive ways. But how I can trust God to do that? I'm a follower of Christ and I want these things for myself and He won't even transform and deliver me! Why should I expect Him to do for someone who hates Him? And the truth is that I don't.

You want to know the funny thing, though? I still pray about it anyway. I keep asking forgiveness after I've sinned. I keep coming back to God and trying again even after screaming at Him and telling Him that I'm done for the millionth time. I keep asking for freedom from my sins and a greater love for my Lord. I keep asking for the salvation and deliverance of my best friend. I keep giving thanks for those moments of comfort and happiness that pass far too quickly. I still read my Bible and ask for guidance. I'm holding on to the hope that I might have faith that's the size of a mustard seed. At this point, I'd be happy with that. I'm holding on to the hope that it will be good enough for God to move the mountains in my life. I'm hoping that in the end, all this pain and depression and doubt will be worth it.

-L. Travis Hoffman

1/10/2020