With Thanksgiving around the corner, it's timely that so many things could be going wrong in my life at this very moment. I say that because I would never have been able to understand what I am about to share with you had things gone well.
I've just turned 31 years old. My birthday sucked. I didn't do anything. In the weeks leading up to it, I once again found myself disappointed with my lack of accomplishments. Another year has passed and still no wife, no career, no family, and no prospects in general. My losing streak remains unbroken. Earlier in the week, I had a falling out with a friend whom I deeply care about. Oh, and my cold has relapsed. Suffice it to say that I've been in a state of great discomfort and distress.
For a long time it's felt like my life has just been defined by failure after failure after failure. Unrealized aspirations. Unmet expectations. Rejections. Hopes ripped apart. Love never found. Value never achieved. These days I would be inclined to look at what I just wrote and scrutinize it for distortions of thought, but this time I think I got it on the nose. Have you ever been repeatedly exposed to a bit of knowledge or wisdom that you understand but somehow it still takes a long time for you to actually
comprehend it? Well, all of my greatest issues can be attributed to my own ignorance and foolishness. I'll eat crow on this one. I have no one to blame but myself here.
The funny thing about it is that this was wisdom I was looking to recently (and from multiple sources)! I was trying to take these lessons seriously and I was trying to be cognizant of my own shortcomings, potential or otherwise. I'll allow myself a little credit in that I was at least concerned that I was going down the wrong road. But the fact remains that I really bollocksed this one up. I can't count the numbers of times I've heard from my parents, therapists, church, etc. that you can't allow your worth to be dictated by things in the world. It never meets that need in the end. You'll always be trying to get that fix that makes you feel valuable and experience happiness. And as I've been told numerous times, the only way to fill that void is through seeking it in Christ.
Like I said, I bollocksed this one. It all came down to me wanting to be wanted. That's what it has always been. I've wanted to work as a screenwriter because I've wanted to share stories that people all over the world could get enjoyment from. I've wanted to be married because I've wanted someone who I could be a cheesy romantic to and give affection to and would appreciate it and reciprocate those feelings. I wanted to be the most caring and loyal friend I could be and have the admiration and closeness that the best relationships have. My priorities were misplaced. Things got wrecked because of it. By making screenwriting the only career leading to happiness, I've robbed myself of how rewarding my jobs can be. Making marriage a confirmation of my worth caused me to feel insecure about my appearance and personality, leading me to suffer from anxiety and depression for decades. Resolving to be the friend that gives everything so I would know that I was wanted and needed just made me into a judgmental, needy, and possessive killjoy with a hero complex and it drove my friend away from me.
I had to go back to those lessons. Doing that, it quickly became painfully apparent that I had made every single mistake I could've made. But I wasn't completely drained of hope. I knew what I had to do: find my value and happiness by seeking Christ. The tricky part was figuring out what exactly that meant. I must admit that sometimes the wisdom we're given can be frustrating in finding the practical applications needed. It didn't matter. I had to figure this out because I knew there was no alternative. I looked online and tried to find anything that might shed a little more light. All I could ever seem to find we're verses referring to our value to God, but these all felt little more than platitudes. I got pretty frustrated. I had two or three very frank conversations with the Lord and I didn't hold back a whole lot. Eventually, I came across a sermon by Rick Warren that focused on man's worth to God.
I need to detour slightly for a moment. Every Christian knows and believes that Christ gave His life to spare us all from eternal separation from Him. We know that this was an act of profound love and that nothing we do can or will ever merit this gift. This fact was the go-to in every article or video I looked at when discussing our value to God. However, I was having trouble seeing this as an effective example. I'll explain. If we're born into sin and no one but God can atone for this, then how is Christ's death demonstrating
our value? The way I saw it, it would be like someone spending $1 million on a candy bar that's only $1. The candy bar didn't change it's value. The person just chose to put down an exorbitant amount of cash for a Butterfinger. The value all comes back to the customer. In the instance of man and God, we're the Butterfinger and Christ is the millionaire. Okay, now back to where we left off...
Rick Warren made an illustration with a similar premise. He started off by asking if anyone in the congregation knew the property value of their house. Several people raised their hands. He then promptly told them that they didn't know it at all. His response was that their house (or anything being sold, for that matter) was worth whatever a person was willing to pay for it. He listed off a couple of examples. Two cars that are the same model, but one was owned by an average Joe and the other one belonged to Lady Gaga. Naturally, people are going to be willing to pay more for the latter. It was owned by a celebrity! In that same way, mankind's eternity had a price that they could never afford. But God stepped in and decided that we were all well-worth paying such a high price. He gave us the Son and with it a second chance to choose Him.
I thought this was a good counter to my own initial approach. It didn't quite satisfy me as an answer, but it was at least a good starting point. It wasn't until later that night as I was journaling that I started to grasp the full meaning of it. I was attempting to express the ideas in my own words and that's when it felt personal. I think as Christians that, while we're capable of expressing gratitude for Christ and feeling love from His sacrifice, there's a certain disconnect. We tend to look at the impact of the crucifixion in a very general way. I knew that He died for me, and I'm just another faceless person that easily disappears in the whole of mankind. But that night it suddenly felt very different. My thoughts had a far more intimate perspective.
God created me so He could love me and allow me to experience Him, the very essence of happiness, goodness, beauty, and love itself. I was made for the ultimate and highest happiness imaginable. And even when I turned away from Him, He still wanted me to have that gift so badly and He wanted me around so much, that He gave the Son just so He wouldn't have to be without me. He doesn't need me and I've done absolutely nothing to deserve what He's given, yet I'm absolutely priceless to Him. I cried that night. The night after that, I cried even more. They were tears of sadness and regret over all the wasted years chasing things to find the value that I've had since before even my birth. They were also tears of happiness, gratitude, and relief. Things didn't have to be the same anymore.
That second night I had determined those moments of tears to be the happiest of my entire life. At first, I was a little hesitant to come to this conclusion. Prior to this, I had distinctly remembered the happiest I had ever been in my life. This didn't feel the same as that. That earlier time felt a lot more energetic and euphoric. But I quickly settled on this new moment as the happiest one because it had met the same needs as the old one. The difference was that this one didn't feel like a high. I was very happy, but I also felt assured. I knew everything was going to be okay.
I have a whole lot of things that aren't going well for me right now. Somehow, I'm still really happy. I'll keep my hope close. God willing, my current problems will find a good solution. But for now, I'll be fine. I have Christ and that's something I'm truly thankful for.
-L. Travis Hoffman
11/18/2018
