I'm growing to better understand what Paul was saying in Romans 7:15. If you're rusty on your scriptural knowledge (no judgement, I'm the same way), here's the verse:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
As I was getting ready to sleep last night, I got to thinking about this verse. In the past, I would read it and look at it as someone who doesn't want to sin because sin is an evil thing. I still believe that this is a correct understanding of the verse, yet for me it's taken on a much broader meaning outside of that.
I've made a lot of changes in my life as of late. Having realized how lesser of a life I was having when I didn't give God my full attention, I resolved to put my mind on more heavenly things. Six days a week, I do a devotional and I watch a sermon (sometimes two). I've noticed the difference that it's made. I'm a much happier person and my outlook has become much more hopeful and productive in nature.
There is one thing that I've started to notice. As I watch my sermon and take my notes each day, I realize how much of myself I need to work on. There's always a habit to change, a mindset to correct, or an understanding to come to. When something is made right, a different flaw arrives from my blind spot. There's always something in me that needs to be fixed. It's such a tall order.
My struggle here is not what you think it is. I know that I'll never need to merit my salvation. Christ made sure that no sin could ever keep me from Him. I also know that I'll never need to earn Christ's love and favor through my actions. God's love is unconditional and His grace is infinite and generous for those who seek it.
"So what is it?" you ask.
The struggle I'm facing isn't so much about sin as it is about love. It's like that moment where you're in love with somebody and your motivation to be your best self changes direction. You're no longer being your best to win the affections of the person you love. You already have it. You're being your best because you love that person so intensely, that the thought of them ever having a lesser person is absolutely unbearable. It brings you pain and those moments where you do fall short tear you apart.
That's what I'm talking about. I hate that I can't do everything I need to do. I hate that I will always have a blind spot. I hate that I can never avoid that there will be a moment where I let my guard down. I hate that there are moments to serve that I'll overlook or just reject doing outright. It's been said that the Fall of Man was God's way of showing us that we need to depend on Him in every circumstance, good and bad. But I want to be my best! I love my Lord and He deserves my best and it's painful that I can't be that for Him. I find myself crying when I think about it.*
Upon reflection, I think there are some things to be pulled from this. Good and bad. It's good that I'm at a place spiritually where my desire to serve and please God is driven by an ever-deepening love for Him. The bad thing is that I could potentially be so distracted by my frailties that my motivation gets twisted into its own kind of legalism. I'm holding out hope that I'll get more of the good and none of the bad.
I find myself wondering if Paul had the very same thoughts running through his head. I'll have to ask him when we finally meet.
-L. Travis Hoffman
1-17-2019
*I did while I was typing this.
