Having read a few books that discussed Christian living, I've found myself questioning my level of devotion. One particular book I'm reading, Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman, raises some difficult questions to the reader. Will you do anything for God? Give up your plans and desires? Give up your money? Will you talk to anyone? Go anywhere? Live anywhere? Are you willing to embarrass yourself? Alienate friends, family, co-workers? Are you willing to suffer and die?
I think you get the picture. It's disconcerting. Now I can tell you in all honesty that I would have trouble doing any of these things in the service of Christ. In fact, every single one of them would be impossible for me to accomplish without the Holy Spirit. Now we are fortunate enough that our salvation is not contingent on our ability to do all these things, every time and without failure. But why wouldn't we try?
I know, I know, there are plenty of reasons not to try. No one wants to be uncomfortable if we can avoid it. But if we're honest, they're all selfish reasons. If we believe that God is all-good and all-knowing and His plans are all for the greatest possible good, why wouldn't we defer to Him in how we live our lives? I keep running this question through my head, over and over.
I love my wife. Now I know you're wondering about when I had gotten married. I didn't. I'm not even dating her yet. And no, I'm not telling you who she is. (You are more than welcome to pray for us getting together, though. :)) I'm... productively pining over her right now. I pray for her constantly. I pray that God makes me good enough that He would want to bless her with me as her spouse. Whenever I fail to live up to the standards that I know she deserves, it kills me. I pray and live each day with the expectation of being blessed with her love. But what if it turns out that God doesn't want this for me? Heck, what if God wants me to be single my entire life? Putting aside what a nightmare that would be for my libido, I don't want to be alone. Yes, I realize that God is always with me. But that isn't the same. If it were, God would've been perfectly content with just Adam in the Garden. I don't know how I'd get through this.
Another issue is in how I conduct myself in everyday life. By that I mean how my faith is expressed and shared with others. Virtually anyone who knows me is aware of my beliefs, but what if my dedication called for me to be bolder in my expression? That means potentially annoying friends, family, co-workers, etc. and drawing ridicule and criticism. It means debating and even losing against someone who does not share in my faith, thereby undermining my efforts simply because I lack adequate rhetorical skills. It means sharing vastly unpopular views. Or my zeal could very well just be off-putting. As a matter of fact, I can give you an example of just that.
Ordinarily I wouldn't tell this story because it comes across as if I'm peacocking my religiosity. But it serves the purpose of this blog entry, so I'll share it here. Several years ago, I got the random idea to go through my list of facebook friends and ask each of them how I could pray for them. The reactions were mixed. I'd say most of those who responded were grateful and pleasantly surprised at the gesture. Some were confused. A couple were nasty and mean-spirited and at least one person was just downright offended, for whatever reason.
This was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. It invited a lot of hostility. However, it was likely good overall because it allowed Christ to be shared, even if the effort was executed clumsily. But the things that stick with me most are the negative responses. I have thin skin and I'm prone to high anxiety. I doubt I could ever do something like this again. I'm not speaking figuratively when I say that God would have to make me do it.
Going through the history of the Church makes me realize how trivial my issues are. Even watching the news you'll find stories of Christian persecution in Asia and the Middle East. These are people who are being oppressed, tortured and killed. And here I am, griping about maybe saying no to the girl of my dreams and/or getting a bruised ego? I think it says something about how flabby my faith is.
I want to have the dedication of a martyr. Even more, I want to want to have the dedication of a martyr. I know that I'm not anywhere near that level of devotion. Look, it's not as if I want to be called to do any of these things. But I want to be in such a great relationship with God that I would be willing and able to do so. So I make two requests from you, the reader. The first request is that you examine the depth of your loyalty to Christ and how it can be better. The second request is that you would pray that my own would improve. This is a rough and narrow road to take, so let's be helpful travel companions and get through this together.
-L. Travis Hoffman
1/25/2018
