The greatest thing to be thankful for.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, it's timely that so many things could be going wrong in my life at this very moment. I say that because I would never have been able to understand what I am about to share with you had things gone well.

I've just turned 31 years old. My birthday sucked. I didn't do anything. In the weeks leading up to it, I once again found myself disappointed with my lack of accomplishments. Another year has passed and still no wife, no career, no family, and no prospects in general. My losing streak remains unbroken. Earlier in the week, I had a falling out with a friend whom I deeply care about. Oh, and my cold has relapsed. Suffice it to say that I've been in a state of great discomfort and distress.

For a long time it's felt like my life has just been defined by failure after failure after failure. Unrealized aspirations. Unmet expectations. Rejections. Hopes ripped apart. Love never found. Value never achieved. These days I would be inclined to look at what I just wrote and scrutinize it for distortions of thought, but this time I think I got it on the nose. Have you ever been repeatedly exposed to a bit of knowledge or wisdom that you understand but somehow it still takes a long time for you to actually comprehend it? Well, all of my greatest issues can be attributed to my own ignorance and foolishness. I'll eat crow on this one. I have no one to blame but myself here.

The funny thing about it is that this was wisdom I was looking to recently (and from multiple sources)! I was trying to take these lessons seriously and I was trying to be cognizant of my own shortcomings, potential or otherwise. I'll allow myself a little credit in that I was at least concerned that I was going down the wrong road. But the fact remains that I really bollocksed this one up. I can't count the numbers of times I've heard from my parents, therapists, church, etc. that you can't allow your worth to be dictated by things in the world. It never meets that need in the end. You'll always be trying to get that fix that makes you feel valuable and experience happiness. And as I've been told numerous times, the only way to fill that void is through seeking it in Christ.

Like I said, I bollocksed this one. It all came down to me wanting to be wanted. That's what it has always been. I've wanted to work as a screenwriter because I've wanted to share stories that people all over the world could get enjoyment from. I've wanted to be married because I've wanted someone who I could be a cheesy romantic to and give affection to and would appreciate it and reciprocate those feelings. I wanted to be the most caring and loyal friend I could be and have the admiration and closeness that the best relationships have. My priorities were misplaced. Things got wrecked because of it. By making screenwriting the only career leading to happiness, I've robbed myself of how rewarding my jobs can be. Making marriage a confirmation of my worth caused me to feel insecure about my appearance and personality, leading me to suffer from anxiety and depression for decades. Resolving to be the friend that gives everything so I would know that I was wanted and needed just made me into a judgmental, needy, and possessive killjoy with a hero complex and it drove my friend away from me.

I had to go back to those lessons. Doing that, it quickly became painfully apparent that I had made every single mistake I could've made. But I wasn't completely drained of hope. I knew what I had to do: find my value and happiness by seeking Christ. The tricky part was figuring out what exactly that meant. I must admit that sometimes the wisdom we're given can be frustrating in finding the practical applications needed. It didn't matter. I had to figure this out because I knew there was no alternative. I looked online and tried to find anything that might shed a little more light. All I could ever seem to find we're verses referring to our value to God, but these all felt little more than platitudes. I got pretty frustrated. I had two or three very frank conversations with the Lord and I didn't hold back a whole lot. Eventually, I came across a sermon by Rick Warren that focused on man's worth to God.

I need to detour slightly for a moment. Every Christian knows and believes that Christ gave His life to spare us all from eternal separation from Him. We know that this was an act of profound love and that nothing we do can or will ever merit this gift. This fact was the go-to in every article or video I looked at when discussing our value to God. However, I was having trouble seeing this as an effective example. I'll explain. If we're born into sin and no one but God can atone for this, then how is Christ's death demonstrating our value? The way I saw it, it would be like someone spending $1 million on a candy bar that's only $1. The candy bar didn't change it's value. The person just chose to put down an exorbitant amount of cash for a Butterfinger. The value all comes back to the customer. In the instance of man and God, we're the Butterfinger and Christ is the millionaire. Okay, now back to where we left off...

Rick Warren made an illustration with a similar premise. He started off by asking if anyone in the congregation knew the property value of their house. Several people raised their hands. He then promptly told them that they didn't know it at all. His response was that their house (or anything being sold, for that matter) was worth whatever a person was willing to pay for it. He listed off a couple of examples. Two cars that are the same model, but one was owned by an average Joe and the other one belonged to Lady Gaga. Naturally, people are going to be willing to pay more for the latter. It was owned by a celebrity! In that same way, mankind's eternity had a price that they could never afford. But God stepped in and decided that we were all well-worth paying such a high price. He gave us the Son and with it a second chance to choose Him.

I thought this was a good counter to my own initial approach. It didn't quite satisfy me as an answer, but it was at least a good starting point. It wasn't until later that night as I was journaling that I started to grasp the full meaning of it. I was attempting to express the ideas in my own words and that's when it felt personal. I think as Christians that, while we're capable of expressing gratitude for Christ and feeling love from His sacrifice, there's a certain disconnect. We tend to look at the impact of the crucifixion in a very general way. I knew that He died for me, and I'm just another faceless person that easily disappears in the whole of mankind. But that night it suddenly felt very different. My thoughts had a far more intimate perspective. God created me so He could love me and allow me to experience Him, the very essence of happiness, goodness, beauty, and love itself. I was made for the ultimate and highest happiness imaginable. And even when I turned away from Him, He still wanted me to have that gift so badly and He wanted me around so much, that He gave the Son just so He wouldn't have to be without me. He doesn't need me and I've done absolutely nothing to deserve what He's given, yet I'm absolutely priceless to Him. I cried that night. The night after that, I cried even more. They were tears of sadness and regret over all the wasted years chasing things to find the value that I've had since before even my birth. They were also tears of happiness, gratitude, and relief. Things didn't have to be the same anymore.

That second night I had determined those moments of tears to be the happiest of my entire life. At first, I was a little hesitant to come to this conclusion. Prior to this, I had distinctly remembered the happiest I had ever been in my life. This didn't feel the same as that. That earlier time felt a lot more energetic and euphoric. But I quickly settled on this new moment as the happiest one because it had met the same needs as the old one. The difference was that this one didn't feel like a high. I was very happy, but I also felt assured. I knew everything was going to be okay.

I have a whole lot of things that aren't going well for me right now. Somehow, I'm still really happy. I'll keep my hope close. God willing, my current problems will find a good solution. But for now, I'll be fine. I have Christ and that's something I'm truly thankful for.

-L. Travis Hoffman

11/18/2018

The Agonies of Needing Prayer

I hate asking people to pray for me. Scratch that. I hate asking people for specific prayers for me. I don't care who it is. Friends, family, or anyone else. I hate to do it.

I know, I know. You're wondering why. If you're someone that has ever asked others for prayer on your behalf, the answer is obvious. I've found that whenever I've requested prayers about something really important to me, it inevitably has to go through some sort of scrutiny by those being approached. People always feel the need to tell you about what a long shot your request is or how you need to be prepared for God to say "No" or any other nuggets of advice and wisdom that seem to serve no purpose other than to take the wind out of your sails.

How is that helpful?! I don't need that. Doubt is not a commodity that I have in short supply. I need encouragement and support. I need a reason to believe that God will bless me if I'm persistent. I need to know that when I pray that it isn't some pointless gesture that does nothing. How is any of this being accomplished through the "advice" offered?

I think people tend to forget the vulnerability that comes with asking for prayer. When you make that request, you're opening yourself up to another person. You're letting them know your fears, desires, insecurities, flaws, and ambitions. That's a lot of trust being extended toward another individual. Anything that rings as a dismissal from them can also be read as them not taking your request seriously. It trivializes your needs and wants. It treats your confidence flippantly.

That's not to say that I think people intend harm in their words. Most of the time they're just trying to protect you. In some cases, we'll know that a request runs counter to God's nature or His commands. That can be dicey territory and becomes a balancing act between showing love by prayer and love by speaking truth. In my own experiences, I find it best to just give assurance that you are praying for them and leave it at that. Let the details remain between you and God.

This issue has been on my mind for the last few months. I have my prayer... project, I guess you could call it. I made an attempt to reach out to my parents. I was vague on the details because I had a feeling that the scrutiny and advice were coming. Yup. I called it. Dad advised me to focus on asking God what He wants from me. That's great advice. It's also not mutually exclusive to my prayer request. I find it exasperating to be given advice that ends up making me feel bad for going to God when we're instructed to pray about anything and everything. So I've given up on going to my parents when it comes to prayer requests relating specifically to myself. It's unfortunate but I'm guessing it's not that unusual.

I know that by posting this blog entry that I'm just asking for the unwanted replies from the counsel brigade. But maybe you go through the same agonies of needing prayer. Sometimes it's good to know that you're not the only one that has to deal with it. If anything, use this knowledge so you can be the type of person that you've needed for prayer and not the one that lets you down.

-L. Travis Hoffman

3/27/2018

 

Follower...?

Having read a few books that discussed Christian living, I've found myself questioning my level of devotion. One particular book I'm reading, Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman, raises some difficult questions to the reader. Will you do anything for God? Give up your plans and desires? Give up your money? Will you talk to anyone? Go anywhere? Live anywhere? Are you willing to embarrass yourself? Alienate friends, family, co-workers? Are you willing to suffer and die?

I think you get the picture. It's disconcerting. Now I can tell you in all honesty that I would have trouble doing any of these things in the service of Christ. In fact, every single one of them would be impossible for me to accomplish without the Holy Spirit. Now we are fortunate enough that our salvation is not contingent on our ability to do all these things, every time and without failure. But why wouldn't we try?

I know, I know, there are plenty of reasons not to try. No one wants to be uncomfortable if we can avoid it. But if we're honest, they're all selfish reasons. If we believe that God is all-good and all-knowing and His plans are all for the greatest possible good, why wouldn't we defer to Him in how we live our lives? I keep running this question through my head, over and over.

I love my wife. Now I know you're wondering about when I had gotten married. I didn't. I'm not even dating her yet. And no, I'm not telling you who she is. (You are more than welcome to pray for us getting together, though. :)) I'm... productively pining over her right now. I pray for her constantly. I pray that God makes me good enough that He would want to bless her with me as her spouse. Whenever I fail to live up to the standards that I know she deserves, it kills me. I pray and live each day with the expectation of being blessed with her love. But what if it turns out that God doesn't want this for me? Heck, what if God wants me to be single my entire life? Putting aside what a nightmare that would be for my libido, I don't want to be alone. Yes, I realize that God is always with me. But that isn't the same. If it were, God would've been perfectly content with just Adam in the Garden. I don't know how I'd get through this.

Another issue is in how I conduct myself in everyday life. By that I mean how my faith is expressed and shared with others. Virtually anyone who knows me is aware of my beliefs, but what if my dedication called for me to be bolder in my expression? That means potentially annoying friends, family, co-workers, etc. and drawing ridicule and criticism. It means debating and even losing against someone who does not share in my faith, thereby undermining my efforts simply because I lack adequate rhetorical skills. It means sharing vastly unpopular views. Or my zeal could very well just be off-putting. As a matter of fact, I can give you an example of just that.

Ordinarily I wouldn't tell this story because it comes across as if I'm peacocking my religiosity. But it serves the purpose of this blog entry, so I'll share it here. Several years ago, I got the random idea to go through my list of facebook friends and ask each of them how I could pray for them. The reactions were mixed. I'd say most of those who responded were grateful and pleasantly surprised at the gesture. Some were confused. A couple were nasty and mean-spirited and at least one person was just downright offended, for whatever reason.

This was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. It invited a lot of hostility. However, it was likely good overall because it allowed Christ to be shared, even if the effort was executed clumsily. But the things that stick with me most are the negative responses. I have thin skin and I'm prone to high anxiety. I doubt I could ever do something like this again. I'm not speaking figuratively when I say that God would have to make me do it.

Going through the history of the Church makes me realize how trivial my issues are. Even watching the news you'll find stories of Christian persecution in Asia and the Middle East. These are people who are being oppressed, tortured and killed. And here I am, griping about maybe saying no to the girl of my dreams and/or getting a bruised ego? I think it says something about how flabby my faith is.

I want to have the dedication of a martyr. Even more, I want to want to have the dedication of a martyr. I know that I'm not anywhere near that level of devotion. Look, it's not as if I want to be called to do any of these things. But I want to be in such a great relationship with God that I would be willing and able to do so. So I make two requests from you, the reader. The first request is that you examine the depth of your loyalty to Christ and how it can be better. The second request is that you would pray that my own would improve. This is a rough and narrow road to take, so let's be helpful travel companions and get through this together.

-L. Travis Hoffman

1/25/2018